I'm done.

My heart is pounding. My hands are shaking. My tears are flowing. I don't know what to do. Why do I feel like this? Why am I so messed up? Why am I tormented in my dreams with things that were but never will be again? I hate that I feel like this. I hate that I'm even writing about it. I hate that I don't have anyone to share these emotions with. I feel alone. I feel desperate. I feel hopeless. I feel like if my family doesn't leave the fucking house soon so that I can go running I will blow up. I feel immature. I feel like a moron. I feel like a failure. I am done. What am I supposed to do? What changes to my life should I be making? How can I become a different person so that I don't feel like this anymore? Why does it work like this? Why the FUCK did I ever leave Ghana? My mom said "Maybe we can figure out a way for you to stay for the rest of the summer." I responded "No, I need to come home." that is probably the stupidest thing I could have said. Life in Ghana = love, happiness, purpose. Life in Utah = hell. I hate that I bottle everything up. On August 20, 2008 I put everything into a bottle sealed it tight, and now it is exploding and getting my pillow and shirt pretty wet and salty. Why do I do this? Why can't I cry for more than 2 minutes at a time? Why does it have to be an all or nothing situation for my emotions? I need to get out of this god forsaken state. I just need to go. And now that my family has finally left for church I can go running, hopefully that will help.