Amazing offer! Act now! Don't wait!

We have had a 3 week hiatus from Kid’s Book Club at The Road Home, so this Monday will mark our first week back. I’m afraid that we won’t have any volunteers to help coerce the kids into reading. In an attempt to attract new volunteers I’ve come up with an infomercial. I love infomercials. I love the acting and the dialog between the actors. When I was a kid I would sit down Saturday mornings and watch infomercials for the Miracle Blade III Perfection Series, the Gazelle and all sorts of steamers and cookers. Some kids watched cartoons, but infomercials were my Saturday morning entertainment of choice. I’ve cast Tony Little from the Gazelle infomercials as the main character, and Amy Sedaris (my new hero) as the intrigued prospective volunteer.
Spunky announcer guy: The following is a paid advertisement for Kid’s Book Club at The Road Home. Amazing offer! Act now! Don't wait! Are you curious about what a homeless shelter looks like? Do you find yourself wondering “If only there were somewhere I could donate my time and skills.” Do you want to make a difference? Then welcome to Kid’s Book Club.
*Setting is Tony Little walking past a line of obviously homeless people standing in line for the soup kitchen.*
Tony Little: In these economically tough times do you find yourself reaching into your pockets to donate to the homeless only to find gum wrappers and lint?
*queue montage of empty wallets and out-turned pockets*
Tony Little: Well do I have an activity for you. Let’s meet Amy inside for some more information on how you can do your part at absolutely no cost to you.
*Setting is the Playroom at The Road Home where book club is held. Tony and Amy are sitting at a small craft table.*
Tony Little: Hi Amy, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to come and learn how you can do your part.
Amy Sedaris: No problem, Tony. So tell me, what exactly is Kid’s Book Club?
Tony: Good question Amy. Book Club happens every Monday at 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm at The Road Home which is located at 210 South Rio Grande Street (455 West) Salt Lake City, Utah 84101. It is a literacy program for kids living at The Road Home ages 5-11. That’s what it is on paper, but what it is in reality is FUN! Volunteers read one on one with the children for the first hour, then we all get together for a group book, and finally end on an exciting activity inspired by that group book.
Amy: Wow, sounds like a great program. How can I get started?
Tony: Simply show up at the Road Home at 7:00 on Monday, sign in at the front desk and wait for Katie or Taylor (who’s a stud) to show up. Or if you’d like more information you can email Taylor at taylorhorn@hotmail.com.
Amy: Wow that’s as easy as 1 2 3. What sorts of things can I expect in Book Club?
Tony: You can expect noisy, rowdy children who love to push every one of your buttons. You can also expect hilarious dialogue between the children and yourself. Kids really do say the darndest things.
Amy: That’s sweet, but I don’t know. 2 hours is a lot of time to cut out of my busy schedule.
Tony: Let’s look at it this way.
*Transition to graphs and charts*
Tony: There are 168 hours in a week. That means 10,080 minutes. All we are asking for is 120 out of those 10,080 minutes.
Tony: In the time it takes to watch a movie, you could be having a positive impact on a young child’s life. In the time it takes to clean your chinchilla’s cage, you could be helping a child improve their literacy.
Amy: Well, when you put it that way it makes sense, but I’m still not sure…
Tony: Let’s hear some testimonials from a few veteran volunteers.
*Fade out of the Playroom and into the hallway where veteran volunteers are giving their testimonials.*
Veteran Volunteer 1: I was nervous to come to Book Club for the first time. I wasn’t sure how to interact with the kids, and I didn’t know what to expect from them. I am so happy I went. The kids are great, and I feel like I am actually doing something with my life now.
Veteran Volunteer 2: It’s all worth it just to see a smile on the children’s faces.
Veteran Volunteer 3: All the kids are great. They can get out of hand and crazy, but you learn to just roll with the chaos. I’m so glad I went to Kid’s Book Club.
*Setting is back to Tony and Amy in the playroom.*
Amy: They sound like some satisfied volunteers.
Tony: They sure do.
Amy: This all sounds great, but I don’t know if I can come every week.
Tony: Amy, that’s a great point. We would love it if every volunteer would come every week, but we understand there are circumstances which prohibit that.
Amy: Wow, Book Club is so accommodating. Some people might say that they live too far away.
Tony: Well, that’s just poppycock. Pardon my language, Amy.
*Unified giggle*
Tony: The Road Home is at a prime location right by Trax and Front Runner. We have volunteers coming from Provo, so distance really is not a valid excuse. And as Veteran Volunteer 2 said it’s all worth it just to see the smile on the children’s faces.
Amy: Well Tony, I’m still not sure this is how I want to spend my Monday evenings. What is the activity this Monday?
Tony: I'm glad you asked, Amy. Our group book will be something about winter, and then we will be making some fabulous scarves with the kids.
Amy: Sounds great! Alright, you’ve convinced me. I’ll be at The Road Home, Monday at 7:00 sharp, and if I have any more questions I’ll just e-mail Taylor at taylorhorn@hotmail.com

Tony: I can’t wait to see you there, Amy. You won’t regret it.
*End with a wink and a smile from both our stars Tony and Amy.*

Back from New York *sigh*

*Sister #1's place of work. I learned that they did a pitch for Tyra Banks last year!

*Me want foooooood!
*I'm nuts 4 nuts!

*If sex were a dessert it would be frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity. So much for my streak of celibacy.




In the new year I resolve to...

1. Put someone, anyone, in their place.


2. Lose the baby fat.
3. Conquer post-partum depression.


4. Have a moment.


5. Take my relationship with Seth (my imaginary boyfriend) to the next level.


6. Cure cancer.


7. Cure AIDS.


8. Laugh till I cry at least once a day.

Happy New Years!

*We weren't actually at Times Square on New Years Eve. We were there the day before and they were practicing the count down. That was good enough for me. It was frrrrrreezing.

Breaking News: Homophobes Give to Homos

In these economically woeful times everyone needs to be doing their part. Today, my family and I did our part to support the gay and transgendered community of New York. Although my parents have a gay son, they still remain one of the most anti-gay and homophobic people I know. So I always giggle when an awkward homosexual situation presents itself on tv, at the mall or wherever else we may be. So imagine my delight as they clap for and donate to the prancing homos. I need to give a little background here.

We wanted to see Hairspray on Broadway so we entered our names into the lottery to get cheap tickets, you enter your name in and if they draw your name you get 2 front row tickets at $26.50 a piece. We’d heard that Hairspray is a sure fire show to get into with the lottery, but since this week has been tourist central we didn’t really have a chance. As we wallowed in our failure we decided to go to Ellen’s Stardust Diner on Broadway where your servers pimp out their talent in order to get a few tips. That’s pretty much as good as a Broadway show right? The first thing I noticed, after the long line, was the flamers prancing around belting tunes and waiting tables. Sister #1 has been to the restaurant a few times before and befriended one of the servers. The server she befriended, to my astonishment, was King of the Flamers, complete with a limp wrist, lisp, and perfectly coiffed hair. As they passed the microphone around between servers I noticed that they all shared these flaming traits. I began adding little side comments to whatever the family was saying. My mom would say “Wow, look how big he can open his mouth!”

“I’ll bet that comes in handy,” was my response.

Pointing out that these guys are flamers does not take away from the fact that they have immense talent, and I’m sure they are very nice, respectable people. It was just interesting to see my family’s reaction to them. With me, if I bring up anything “gay” their faces go stony and all conversations stop. But here they are clapping their hands and singing along with the gays. After a few enthusiastic numbers, one of the servers announced that a “singer’s donation bucket” would be going around to gather small donations for their singing careers. As my mom threw a few dollars into the bucket all I could think was that once the servers divided up their shares one of them was bound to go out and use that money to buy their next pair of leather chaps or the latest and greatest sex swing.

I also made a new friend today.

I named her Laila Rose the Transgendered Human Statue. She would constantly change her poses at an excruciatintly sluggish pace. Laila Rose the Transgendered Human Statue, would also giggle in delight and tap you with her flower if you dropped money into her box. I have never been presented with a better reason to give a dollar.

She gave me her heart. I will cherish it forever.

New York So Far...

*Good enough to be reposted.

* Read me a bed-time story!

*Boys vs. girls gingerbread trains. I declared the boys the winner 3 different times. You don't need to see the girls's.

GYPSY = Orgasm

ANGEL: New York City
MARK: Uh Huh
ANGEL: Center Of The Universe
COLLINS: Sing It Girl
ANGEL: Times Are Shitty But I'm Pretty Sure They Can't Get Worse
MARK: I Hear That
ANGEL: It's A Comfort To KnowWhen You're Singing The Hit The Road Blues. That Anywhere Else You Could Possibly Go After New York Would Be A Pleasure Cruise
~RENT

Right now I'm writing this on the kitchen floor of my sister's one bedroom, one bathroom, high rise apartment, located in Queens, New York. The kitchen floor also doubles as my sleeping quarters during this trip. My dad said it was "important to my sister" that she provide us housing for the week that we are here. I said that it was important to me that I get a good nights rest and get a hotel. He won out so here are the six of us squeezed into this apartment. The apartment is really nice. We're located on the 36th floor and we have a great view of the city across the river. Yesterday (Christmas day) the Empire State Building was lit up in blue and white for Hannukah and red and green for Christmas.

We spent today in Herald Square shopping our little hearts out. I believe the rest of New York shared our brilliant idea and joined us in this little shopping adventure. My "personal space bubble" was popped as soon as we stepped off the subway, and I don't think I'll get it back until I get off the plane in Salt Lake City. We shopped and shopped until our feet and wallets begged us to stop. After shopping came my highlight of the trip, GYPSY! Being the musical fanatic of the family, I was in charge of picking which Broadway show we were going to see. I chose Gypsy. This decision was made based on two factors: Patti LuPone was the star, and there were strippers. Neither of these factors let me down. Patti LuPone was absolutely flawless in her performance as Rose. I have been listening to the soundtrack for months, but I still got chills as she belted out the lyrics written by Sondheim. The gay part of me manifested itself tonight. I was giddy with excitement as we waited for the play to start. After it was finished I clapped until my hands were sore and could take no more. I don't think anyone really enjoyed the play as much as I did. Sister #1 fell asleep, and Sister #2 was caught up on the stripping. I was ready for Patti to jump on up and start all over again. Here is a youtube video of her singing the famous Everything's Coming Up Roses.

*Sister #2 and I out on the pier right by the apartment. Notice the Empire State Building in the background all lit up.

*You know the star is a big deal when her name is bigger than the title's.

Side story: We had a nazi door woman in our section at the theater. We got in trouble for taking pictures before the show started, climbing over the seat, and having candy in the theater. She was on us like a hawk. Ours weren't the only balls she was busting either. No one was going to do anything against the rules in her section.

I've got friends in high places

I met the real Santa Claus today at The Road Home while volunteering at their annual radio broadcast fundraiser. I started out collecting donated items, then graduated to taking pictures of kids with Santa. You'd better be nice to me or else I'll tell my new friend Santa to skip your house!

Parties, who needs 'em?

Who came up with the idea of political parties? I hope they are in hell and preparing the welcome party for Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reiley. We love to put people into boxes and that is what political parties allow us to do. These boxes allow us to know someone without ever getting to know them. You’re a homophobic, gun tottin’, bible thumpin’, uneducated, conservative red neck who speaks a hobbled form of English which liberated you from having to say the g’s at the end of words. I know all this because you just told me you’re a republican. And you’re a hippy, tree hugging, gay loving, New Yorker reading, elitist, atheist who would love nothing more than to see abortions on demand. I know this because you told me that you’re a democrat.

Instead of researching and learning as much as we can about candidates and their positions on important issues, we simply check the box of the candidate with the preferred letter in parenthesis at the end of their name. With the huge quantity of information ready at the tips of our fingers, thanks to an amazing tool called “Google,” we can learn voting histories, stances on issues and many other important things to know when considering which candidate to vote for. In this “don’t make me think, just make it work” society we live in, that research is too much work. I need to find out how the people from “Lost” got on the island and why they’re there. I can’t be bothered to research candidates who will shape the world my kids will live in.

Here in Utah we have an infamous state senator named Chris Buttars from West Jordan. He continues to be re-elected despite the downright moronic statements he makes. Last legislative session while debating a bill he said “This baby is black. It’s a dark, ugly thing.” He has gone on record as saying that the Supreme Court’s decision on Brown v Board of Education was “a bad decision.” What the hell? Where does this guy come from? I truly wonder if the people of West Jordan would keep re-electing this fool if he didn’t have (R) at the end of his name on the ballot. How much better would our government be if all candidates were allotted the same amount of campaign funds and were not backed by giant parties? It would be so much better if we didn't have the crutch of political parties to lean on, and instead had to actually learn about the people we're voting for.

Instead of getting our panties in a bunch about which party is in charge, we should be working to come together and fix the problems we've gotten ourselves into. Instead of pointing fingers at which party is to blame for these problems, let's work together to solve them. We deserve better than the vain, corrupt, and bitchy system that is our political parties.

Tag, I'm it

I guess I've been by tagged by Nola.
8 Things

8 Of my Favorite books
1) Nobody Don't Love Nobody
2) Dry
3) Running with Scissors
4) Beloved
5) Glass Castle
6) The Street Lawyer
7) 3 Cups of Tea
8) Kaffir Boy

8 Things That Happened Yesterday
1) Worked and hated it.
2) Left work early.
3) Went to the Albertsons and bought pickles and popcorn
4) Had a Fabulous Fart Feast with Fannie Francine Feltcher
5) Had an intimate moment with Seth (My imaginary boyfriend.)
6) Laughed till I cried on about 3 seperate occasions.
7) Left for work early so I wouldn't have to drive my crippled dad. (I'm an ass.)
8) Got Starbucks

Things To Look Forward To-
1) Starting my new job
2) Visiting Sister #1 in New York!
3) Christmas time in New York
4) Finding Tina Fey on the streets of New York and getting coffee with her. Then she'll say "Hey you're pretty cool. Wanna be on 30 Rock?"
5) Celebrating the New Year in Times Square.
6) Volunteering at the radio broadcast at The Road Home on the 22nd. Be there if you can!
7) Reading for fun and not for school.
8) Going back to Ghana some day.

8 Things On My Wish List-
1) Good books.
2) World peace.
3) No more hunger
4) A Greyhound. They're beautiful.
5) A one way plane ticket to Ghana.
6) A lunch date with Nola and baby Lila.
7) My laundry to wash itself
8) World peace.

8 Things I Love About Winter-
1) Christmas eve
2) Christmas morning
3) Christmas afternoon
4) Christmas night
5) Christmas music. Kathleen Battle and Kristin Chenoweth are at the top of the list right now.
6) Snow (sometimes)
7) Snowboarding
8) Family time

I tag
Sam and whoever else reads this blog.

Seth. The Boyfriend.

“Hey, wanna go steady?” I casually ask Seth as we stroll down the street arm in arm on a brisk December evening.

“Sure,” he replies. “Does that mean I get to fart around you, fight over the remote control, and tell you the truth when you ask me if you look fat?”

“Yup! I think this is going to work out just fine, Seth.”

Seth has strong arms, a chiseled jaw line, high cheek bones and a mind quicker than Stephen Colbert’s. He can be easily mistaken as a Greek God. We met in a coffee shop on a cold November afternoon.

*queue flashback sound effect*

I’m sipping my tall mocha and listening to “A Lovely Way to Spend Christmas” on my iPod when I notice a certain presence enter the room. I look around searching for its source when my eyes lock with this tall, dark and handsome man’s. After ordering his Venti caramel macchiato (low fat, no whip) he makes his way over to my table. “Is this seat available?” He asks.

“Of course,” I reply.

“What are you listening to?” He asks.

“The new Kristin Chenoweth Christmas album.”

“Oh, my goodness I love Kristin Chenoweth. I watch Pushing Daisies religiously. I can’t believe it is going off the air.”

“I know America just needs to pull its head out, stop watching stupid shows like “Lost” and recognize quality entertainment.”

“You said it!” He agrees. “My name’s Seth. What’s yours?”

“Taylor.” I search for something to talk about, anything. What on earth can I have in common with this gorgeous piece of man meat standing in front of me? I go with the proverbial “Do you come here often?”

“No, I just moved here from Seattle to take a job working with refugee families from Darfur.”
“Wow, that’s incredible! The pay must be pretty dismal though.”

“Yeah, but that’s ok. I inherited a large sum of money when my grandpa died. He invented post-its.”

A man with heart, drive, a career, AND money?! How could this have happened to me?

“I’ve gotta run I have some appointments to get to. What’s your phone number? I’ll call you and we can get together some time.”

I scrawl down my number on a napkin and give it to him with a toothy smile.
The best thing about this relationship is that it produces absolutely no stress. I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don’t have to worry about who pays for dates or who will initiate sexual contact, and the awkwardness that can entail. I don’t have the dent in my paycheck that a relationship usually produces. And I never ever have to compromise. The very best thing about this relationship is that it’s not real. It’s a figment of my imagination. So let me introduce you all to my imaginary boyfriend, Seth. He embodies everything I want in a boyfriend without the emotional and financial cost on my end. One day I’ll find the real life version of Seth, but for now the imaginary version works just fine for me.

Family....isn't it about time? (final one)

Mom

My mother is an incredible person, and we share a bond that she doesn’t share with either Sister #1 or Sister #2. That bond has been tested and strengthened through the past year and a half since coming out. My mom was the person who’s reaction I feared and dreaded the most. I didn’t want to hurt her the way I did. I hate that she views my homosexuality as a reflection of her parenting. She has said multiple times that she believes if she were a better mother than I would not be this way, and that breaks my heart. I owe so much to her, and I could not ask for a better mom.

I love when my mom is proud of me and the things that I do. The other day I did very well on a test so I texted her and she replied “You’re a genius, I’m so proud of you. Keep up the good work!” Those simple words made my day. Whenever I won a tennis match that she couldn’t be at, or did well in out of state volleyball tournaments that she couldn’t be at, she would be the first person I called to tell. It makes me feel good when I know she is proud of my accomplishments.

My mother is the sole reason behind my success and love for both tennis and volleyball. I’ve had some incredibly talented and knowledgeable coaches in each sport, but I attribute my love, interest and success in these sports to her. As early as 4 years old I can remember going to her volleyball games and seeing how much fun the sport is. I was always her warm up buddy. We would pepper (pass the ball back and forth) and impress all the other women with the skills my mommy taught me. As I grew older and became more competent in my skills I joined a club volleyball team, which is not cheap. Both my sister and I (and later my other sister) were playing on club volleyball teams, costing upwards of $4,000.00 a piece depending on where we would be traveling for tournaments and such. My mom left the house and went back to work so that her kids could have the opportunity to enjoy the game they love. And when I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was the best on my team and wanted to quit, my mom wouldn’t let me. I was so mad at her for that, but now I couldn’t be more thankful to her. In addition to paying for the club volleyball fees and the insanely expensive tennis lessons, she also drove insane amounts of miles to get me to each practice. I had volleyball practice 2-3 times a week near Thanksgiving point (a 45 minute drive each way) and tennis practices 3-4 times a week in different parts of the Salt Lake valley (a 20 – 30 minute drive). Her life revolved around getting me to practice on time, well fed, with the proper equipment, and with an excitement to start practice. I owe her so much for her sacrifices to me. She put me before herself and I will forever be in her debt. Despite my mother’s flaws, I love her fiercely.