I’m not used to people disappearing, and I don’t like it. I don’t make new friends often, but when I do I keep them and hold onto them for a long long time. I had basically the same core group of friends from elementary school through to high school. I think that is why I am still being a boob over this whole break up situation. I’ve never met anyone like Bond before and I’ve never had such intense feelings and shared so much with someone else before. As a result the after math has been a disaster for me. I have made progress; I am nowhere near the boob I was a couple months ago, but while in New York I had a dream about him every single night, sometimes I would have multiple dreams with him as the star. I would have a dream where we were just hanging out as if everything were normal and I would wake up and think damnit why am I still dealing with this? Why is this still an issue in my life? While I’m awake I have somewhat of a grip on how I deal with situations that may arise that have to deal with him, but in my sleep I have absolutely no control. All of the feelings of excitement, euphoria, love, twitterpation, attraction and connection come streaming back, and I wake up wondering was that real? Once I realize that it was really a dream, I’m left to dwindle on whether or not I want that dream to be real or not. There are moments when I’m not sure I would deny access to him being a big part of my life again and start all over. There are other moments when I think hell no, absolutely not. I have grown into a better and stronger person. I have felt content for the first time in months. My brain tells me that letting him back in my life would somehow snuff out all the progress I’ve made in the journey to becoming the person I want to someday be. There are times when I wonder if we could ever be “just friends.” I don’t know if that is possible. [Brace yourself for an OC reference.] Am I the Ryan to his Marissa? Are we that couple that can never truly be “just friends” without letting it magically morph into something deeper? Rawr, so many questions! It would be nice to sit down with him and simply pick his brain, answer all my questions and then move on. But I’m not sure I could ever bring myself to ask all the questions I have, and I’m not sure he would have all the answers, and I’m definitely positive most of the answers wouldn’t be the ones I want. Whenever I’m faced with a hard decision or a trying situation I ask myself “In my own perfect world, what would be the outcome.” I’ve tried many times to do that with this situation, but I simply can’t figure out a scenario that would work in “my own perfect world.” I truly and honestly want to be over him. Where is that switch in my body and why can’t I flip it? He doesn’t consume my thoughts all day anymore I have made progress there. It’s just when I have a dream, eat mac and cheese or smell that damn Abercrombie cologne.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Dreams, Mac and Cheese, and that damn Abercrombie cologne
I’m not used to people disappearing, and I don’t like it. I don’t make new friends often, but when I do I keep them and hold onto them for a long long time. I had basically the same core group of friends from elementary school through to high school. I think that is why I am still being a boob over this whole break up situation. I’ve never met anyone like Bond before and I’ve never had such intense feelings and shared so much with someone else before. As a result the after math has been a disaster for me. I have made progress; I am nowhere near the boob I was a couple months ago, but while in New York I had a dream about him every single night, sometimes I would have multiple dreams with him as the star. I would have a dream where we were just hanging out as if everything were normal and I would wake up and think damnit why am I still dealing with this? Why is this still an issue in my life? While I’m awake I have somewhat of a grip on how I deal with situations that may arise that have to deal with him, but in my sleep I have absolutely no control. All of the feelings of excitement, euphoria, love, twitterpation, attraction and connection come streaming back, and I wake up wondering was that real? Once I realize that it was really a dream, I’m left to dwindle on whether or not I want that dream to be real or not. There are moments when I’m not sure I would deny access to him being a big part of my life again and start all over. There are other moments when I think hell no, absolutely not. I have grown into a better and stronger person. I have felt content for the first time in months. My brain tells me that letting him back in my life would somehow snuff out all the progress I’ve made in the journey to becoming the person I want to someday be. There are times when I wonder if we could ever be “just friends.” I don’t know if that is possible. [Brace yourself for an OC reference.] Am I the Ryan to his Marissa? Are we that couple that can never truly be “just friends” without letting it magically morph into something deeper? Rawr, so many questions! It would be nice to sit down with him and simply pick his brain, answer all my questions and then move on. But I’m not sure I could ever bring myself to ask all the questions I have, and I’m not sure he would have all the answers, and I’m definitely positive most of the answers wouldn’t be the ones I want. Whenever I’m faced with a hard decision or a trying situation I ask myself “In my own perfect world, what would be the outcome.” I’ve tried many times to do that with this situation, but I simply can’t figure out a scenario that would work in “my own perfect world.” I truly and honestly want to be over him. Where is that switch in my body and why can’t I flip it? He doesn’t consume my thoughts all day anymore I have made progress there. It’s just when I have a dream, eat mac and cheese or smell that damn Abercrombie cologne.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
holy s%#@ captain oats! you've been through quite an ordeal and my heart goes out to you! i've never been fortunate enough to even have been in a relationship so i can't comprehend the bond (no pun intended) you must have felt with "bond" and the despair that comes from losing that special person. hope things turn around for ya soon!
Hey Captain. No question, it really sucks the way things turned out with Bond. You will never be the same as before so don't try to be. I think you're doing right to try to learn from it. I have been through an experience that was just as difficult, and everybody said "just hold on, time heals wounds, it will get easier." I didn't believe them at the time but they were right. It's never the same, but it does get easier. Hold on.
Post a Comment